American’s Craziest Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

Get ready to laugh until your sides hurt with this collection of 55 of the craziest and funniest quotes from Americans throughout history. From movie stars to politicians to comedians, these quotes are sure to entertain. Perfect for anyone who loves a good laugh, especially those enjoying their golden years. Don’t forget to like, comment with your favorite quote, and subscribe for more!

Video American’s Craziest Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

American’s Craziest Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

1. I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton  
2. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. – W.C. Fields  
3. I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth  
4. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams (While British, this quote is widely loved in America)  
5. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott (The Office)  
6. If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. – Catherine Aird  
7. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. – Bill Clinton  
8. I’m not sure what I did, but I’m in a lot of trouble. – Unknown  
9. I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. – Often attributed to Winston Churchill, but likely apocryphal, it is highly popular in American humor.  
10. I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg  
11. I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. – W.C. Fields  
12. I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder that does that for me. – Stephen Wright  
13. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth  
14. I don’t believe in astrology, I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke  
15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Often attributed to Mark Twain  
16. I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. – Carl Sandburg  
17. I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention. – Ron White  
18. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller  
19. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. – W. C. Fields  
20. I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen  
21. I’m in shape. Round is a shape. – George Carlin  
22. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin  
23. I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. – Samuel Goldwyn  
24. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. – Often attributed to Winston Churchill.  
25. I have to be careful because there is something awfully tempting about massive political power. – Barack Obama  

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Well, there you have it. Proof that Americans sure know how to say some truly bizarre and hilarious things. Which quote got the biggest laugh out of you? Share your favorites in the comments below, and if you enjoyed this collection of craziness, give it a thumbs up and subscribe. We’ve got plenty more where that came from!