The Funniest Old Man Sayings About Marriage (After 50 Years!) That Will Make You Cry Laughing
Discover 60 hilarious sayings about marriage from those who know best—couples who’ve spent a lifetime together. Whether you’re married or single, these classic quips will have you laughing and nodding along. Get ready for some timeless humor!
Video The Funniest Old Man Sayings About Marriage (After 50 Years!) That Will Make You Cry Laughing
The Funniest Old Man Sayings About Marriage (After 50 Years!) That Will Make You Cry Laughing
1. “Marriage is just texting each other, ‘Do we need anything from the store?’ until one of you dies.”
—Anonymous
2. “After fifty years of marriage, I take out the trash—just to remind myself what freedom smells like.”
—Anonymous
3. “I told my wife the truth about seeing a psychiatrist. She said she was seeing one too, plus two plumbers and a bartender.”
—Rodney Dangerfield
4. “Marriage starts with two hearts and a diamond but ends with a club and a spade.”
—Anonymous
5. “For our fiftieth anniversary, my wife wanted a divorce. I said, ‘I wasn’t planning on spending that much!’”
—Anonymous
6. “Marriage is when two become one—except during arguments. Then it’s every man for himself.”
—Anonymous
7. “We promised never to argue in bed—so we argue in the kitchen now.”
—Anonymous
8. “Marriage is like dancing; sometimes you step on each other’s toes, but you keep moving to the rhythm.”
—Anonymous
9. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
—Jim Carrey
10. “I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”
—Anonymous
11. “At this age, we don’t argue. We just glare at each other over dinner and keep chewing.”
—Anonymous
12. “My wife and I vowed never to go to bed angry. We haven’t slept since 1975.”
—Henny Youngman
13. “If I agreed with my wife, we’d both be wrong.”
—Anonymous
14. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
—Anonymous
15. “Marriage is a workshop—where the husband works, and the wife shops.”
—Anonymous
16. “I thank my wife for standing beside me… unless we’re arguing, then she’s right in front of me.”
—Anonymous
17. “Marriage has no guarantees. If you want one, live with a car battery.”
—Erma Bombeck
18. “My wife’s cooking is so bad, we pray after eating.”
—Rodney Dangerfield
19. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years—I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
—Rodney Dangerfield
20. “Marriage is where a man loses his bachelor’s degree, and a woman earns her master’s.”
—Anonymous
21. “We were happy for 20 years—then we renewed our vows.”
—Anonymous
22. “After fifty years of marriage, you learn what annoys your partner—and keep doing it for fun.”
—Anonymous
23. “Marriage is like a crossword puzzle. One wrong move and you spend a lifetime fixing it.”
—Anonymous
24. “I thought I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure… then my wife decided for me.”
—Anonymous
25. “If my wife says, ‘I’ll think about it,’ she’s already decided.”
—Anonymous
26. “A man is incomplete until he’s married—then he’s really finished.”
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
27. “Marriage is finding someone special to annoy for the rest of your life.”
—Rita Rudner
28. “Being married means always sharing your secrets—whether you want to or not.”
—Rita Rudner
29. “We’ve been together so long, we finish each other’s sentences. Usually with, ‘What did you say?’”
—Anonymous
30. “A good marriage is when both people think they got the better deal.”
—Anonymous
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